Carpe Diem Counseling LLC

EXPECTATIONS PART 1:

Expectations are the seeds of resentment.

We all have expectations…for ourselves (more on that tomorrow), for others, for the future.  Today I want to address expectations for partners.  When preparing for a new baby, there is often much conversation about room decor, safety, clothes, toys, baby care and birthing plans.  Often what is missed is conversation about what the expectations for everyone involved will be after the baby arrives.  This is most true for first children, though it can sometimes dupe second or third time parents who become too confident in how smoothly their routine runs prior to baby.  

A mom (or dad) struggling after baby is born can sometimes have those struggles compounded because the expectations they have for their partner are not being met.  The first thing I ask a mom who comes into session upset because her partner did not do the dishes/laundry, get up with the baby, change the baby’s diaper or any number of other complaints is, “Did you ask him/her to do that?”  The answer is usually “no” followed by a statement to the effect of “why should I have to ask him/her to…” or “if I know it needs to be done then he/she should too.”  My answer is almost always the same…We are different people who think of priorities differently and make observations about our surroundings differently.  

No one is a mind reader.  Just because the dishes or laundry are important to you or are on your To Do list, does not mean your partner will automatically think of them or know they are important.  You have to tell them what is important and ask for their help.  This can be difficult when you are sleep deprived, sad, foggy headed or anxious.  But your anxiety about “getting things done” can be lessened by delegating tasks.  Why then do we insist on expecting our partner to come up with the grand plan on their own?  Why do we push ourselves to “do it all” just because someone else did not notice what needed to be done?  

These expectations are the seeds of resentment.  For soon, you are “doing everything” and resenting your partner for not doing more or doing “the right things”.  Moms will resort to hints or waiting “to see how long it takes” their partner to figure it out and these types of tactics will backfire by failing and increasing your resentment or causing an argument.  How to avoid this…talk, talk, talk.  And start early.  Talking when you are sleep deprived, depressed, anxious, and can’t think clearly is not likely and if it does happen, it won’t go well.  Talk before the baby comes.  Ask a therapist to help you make a postpartum plan including sources of support, anticipated tasks, chores, or obligations, and how to set up a schedule and request assistance.   Let your partner know directly what you need.  Say “I’ve changed 10 diapers today, can you change her this time?”  or set up a plan that your partner changes any diapers they are home for and you do the rest. However you decide to work things out, start by talking.  Don’t assume they will know and don’t expect mind reading.  🙂

Today is WORLD MATERNAL MENTAL HEALTH DAY!!!  Today is the day that organizations around the world come together to highlight the importance of maternal mental health.  Maternal mental health issues do not only strike American moms or new moms.  It does not discriminate on the basis of race, sexual orientation, religion or socioeconomic status.  All moms need support and encouragement to pay attention to their mental health.  Become part of the conversation on FB or Twitter #maternalMHmatters

Learn more about the World Maternal Mental Health day campaign, events around the world and how you can get involved in the conversation at http://www.wmmhday.postpartum.net/

When you see a mom in need, throw a rope.

What does it mean to “throw a rope?”  It means to help, lend support and let the mom know she is not alone.  This can happen in many forms.  But for today, a short story.  Several weeks ago, I walked into a library which has the entrance to the children’s room close to the main entrance.  As I walked in, a woman with two young children, a boy about 15-18 months old and a girl about 2 1/2- 3 years old was leaving the children’s room.  Her son, grabbed the small basket of cut up stickers on the circulation desk that the children are allowed to pick a sticker from and tossed the stickers across the entrance to the doorway.

We have all had something like this happen.  The woman dropped down and started picking up the stickers while also telling her son that he had to help clean up.  She was doing everything right by trying to teach him that what he did was not okay and that he was responsible for cleaning it up with help from mom.  Luckily her little girl just stood there and didn’t take the opportunity to wander off.

I had recently seen an article on Twitter about “throwing a rope”.  Now, the thing about throwing an actual rope to someone in need is that she has to grab the rope and use it to pull herself up.  In the proverbial manner, however, the rope can be thrown and “grabbed” through a simple acknowledgement and acceptance of assistance.  Pulling a mom up with a rope can happen internally by helping her feel less alone and less out of control in her situation.  So, I too dropped down, picked up stickers, encouraged her daughter to do so (which she did) and commented to the mom about how “we’ve all had things like this happen.”  The mom seemed overwhelmed, kept her head down, while trying to keep an eye on both kids, get her son to help clean up and clean up the mess herself.  After a couple moments, she looked up and thanked me for helping.  I imagine this was a delayed response once she was able to process some of what I was saying and was able to feel less embarrassed or frustrated with the situation.

It is situations like this that I believe are imperative to moms supporting one another.  This mom is now more likely to help another mom, even if it’s just with a reassuring or knowing smile or kind words.  A few kind words and a couple minutes of time can go a long way towards making someone feel less alone or less self-conscious.  When you see a mom (or any caretaker) in need, throw a rope.  I assure you it will pull them up in ways you may not be able to see.

Happy Maternal Mental Health Month everyone!  If you follow me on Twitter you may have a heads up that I plan to post everyday during May because it’s Maternal Mental Health Month.  I will be posting stories, tips, inspiring quotes and thoughts on being a mom and caring for yourself.  Today is Day 1.

What is maternal mental health and why is it important?  Maternal mental health refers to the mental and emotional well being of women during pregnancy and after having a child.  Symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic, stress, overwhelm and sadness are all common for mothers to experience.  Often they suffer in silence, isolated and putting on a happy face when around others.  A mom might make a small comment about how hard motherhood is around another mom or a friend while simultaneously smiling and laughing as if it is a joke.  Motherhood is not easy and emotions can be effected by everything from hormones and sleep deprivation to lack of correct nutrition and environmental stressors.

This month is vastly important in opening up the conversation about maternal mental health and lessening the stigma around it.  Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders such as Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum OCD, Postpartum PTSD and Postpartum Psychosis are more common then one might think.  1 in 7 women experience Postpartum Depression.  It is widely considered the number one complication of childbirth and yet, most birth and baby preparation classes do not talk about it.  Imagine spending the better part of a year preparing for a baby only to feel completely unprepared when you are blindsided by a Perinatal Mental Health issue.  It is different than “baby blues” but is often written off as such so the mom continues to suffer, believing there is something wrong with her that she can not “snap out of it”.   The one thing correct in that thinking is that there is “something wrong”.  The mother has a very common illness that can be addressed and DOES GET BETTER (the best news a mom can hear).

So, the next time a mom makes an off handed remark about how hard it is to have a baby.  Ask more questions.  Ask how she is sleeping, if she’s eating and who helps with things around the house.  Ask how you can help or pick a specific thing you are comfortable with and offer help.  Raising a child takes a village and so does making sure that child’s mom is healthy.  Healthy mom = healthy baby.  Being healthy starts with how you think and feel as a mom.  It’s more important than how you look.  And it can get better.  🙂

I will be posting daily throughout the month of May for Maternal Mental Health month.  Some days it may just be quotes or tips, other days I will writer longer thoughts on certain topics.  Follow this blog or on Twitter for daily notifications of these posts.  Hope you enjoy!